I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
