you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
