can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
