GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
