We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
