My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
two words...techno handjob
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
