Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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