i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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