Life is so much better after having sex.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
