I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
