when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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