K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
