proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I need water and some morals
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
