Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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