i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
