Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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