did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
