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i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
