I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
