God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
