There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
