Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize