hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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