He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
