I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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