Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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