I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So much rum. So many feels.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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