her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
