Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
