not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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