I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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