i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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