Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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