i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
