My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
