Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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