uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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