Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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