yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
