benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize