if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Shame is for Republicans.
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