if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Still dying that you shit outside
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
