Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He's on the porch naked. Help.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize