You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
