Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
