Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize