I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
