Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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