just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
