my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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