Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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