when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
