I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
