Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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