i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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