I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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