I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
