i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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