Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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