Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
