Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just pynch a tree in the face
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
