The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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