dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
