Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
